Monday, October 30, 2006

Urban Legend: Asian American Ed.

This post by DiligenceChina has inspired me to work a little myth bustin' mojo of my own. Because let's face it: a lot of us don't know what to make of those curious bicultural oddities -- what with their perfect English enunciations, their precarious East-West straddling, and that strange smelling snack of indeterminate soy by-product origin they carry everywhere.

Never fear! Panda Gong is here to spritz some windex onto all of that confusion, and so she shall now present them thusly.

"You're Asian? Say, you wouldn't happen to know Ima Dungh Mie?"

Upon initial encounter, the indigenous species Americus cluelessticus will naturally suppose that all varients of the Mammalian Asiatus descendis belong to the same school/book club/clandestine society. In such cases, it is up to the Asiatus descendis to:
  1. politely but firmly correct this supposition.
  2. walk away shaking his head in the disapproving manner of a teacher who has given up hope.
  3. slap heartily upside the head.
  4. scream that dreaded 'R' word (Because we've never laughed at a blonde joke before. No, indeed.)
  5. go for the obvious "Yes, I do know you are a dummy."
This guide, however, must give special mention to 'F'. For if found in certain situations, going along with a misconception can work to one's advantage. "Of course I know the man. I am the direct descendant of the Tong family. Keep silent and your loyalty to the triad will be marked."

"Locked out! Rolling Panda, use your petal-heart-metal fist to break down this door!"
(And also, we can all fly.) Believe me, I would love to know kung-fu like Keanu. Because then instead of standing here nodding politely and with a fake smile plastered on my face, I could practice my triple-lucky viper grip for real. Hold still...

"Try our specialty: Bull Testes au Vin. It's nutritious, invigorating, and dee-lish!"
Lion tongue is not a national delicacy, monkey brains is not a popular drink, and no -- really -- we will not eat your dog Tonto. But then in today's brave new world, it's understandable you think we would. I hear some countries even feed on the flesh of baby cows.

"Ching-Chong. DING-DONG-DING."
I sorry. I no understand Idiotese.

"Asian McNerdypants and you would make such a cuuute couple!"

Asian hotness, there are lots.
Object to own race, I do not. (But!)
Think that skin tone, a boyfriend does make? (Girl, please!)
He wears a pocket protector, for goodness sake.
(Unless, of course, he's Tony Leung. Or looks like the love child between Kenny Ho and Nicholas Tse. Or a young Chow Yun-Fat, in which case he can wear all the pocket protectors he wants!)

And the number one urban legend that I hear is... *drumroll*

"Her parents lock her in cage in their downstairs basement and don't let her out until she completes the thousand problem math test. She can't run away because of her bound feet."
Ah, the hardships of having strict, traditional Asian parents, etc., etc. Oh to know the world! Oh to throw off the chains of oppression and soar like a butterfly! Oh to be free! I'd love to, there's nothing I would love more. But I'm scared of all those guns they set loose on U.S. streets. Have you seen the news recently?

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